Monster
by littleoblivion
Summary: Sometimes your past, no matter how deep you push it down, can come back to haunt you. Trigger warning for death, childhood sexual abuse. Established JJ/Hotch


**(Hey everyone. Here is a fic that was rumbling around in my mind after acting class. It's very dark, with discussion of death, and childhood sexual abuse. If these things are triggering for you, please don't read. Please leave a review if you feel so inclined. Jordon)**

" _Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win._ _" Stephen King_

I'm sitting on the edge of Emily's desk, discussing hopeful weekend plans with the team when my phone rings. I look at the screen to see my mother's face. I answer the call and bring the phone to my face, slipping a few feet from the group.

"Hey Mom!"

"Jen… I have some bad news." The serious tone of her voice stills me. She's been crying, I can hear the shakiness in her voice.

"What's wrong? What happened?" I try to keep my voice down but I can sense my coworkers turning their attention to me.

"There's been an accident."

"Oh my god… Are you okay? Is Dad?" I can feel the panic begin to rise and fight to stay calm.

"No! No, we're okay. It's your cousin Daniel." My lungs freeze up and I have to remind myself how to breathe again.

"Daniel. Oh. Uh is he alright?"

From her breathing, I know she's crying again. "No Jen. He… He was driving down the interstate and someone in front of him blew a tire. Everyone tried to stop but it all just happened so fast."

"You're saying Daniel's dead?" My voice sounds disconnected, as if I'm hearing someone else say the words. She begins to cry harder.

"Yes. I'm so sorry to have to tell you over the phone, and to call you at work, but I just thought you should know..." She continues on and I vaguely follow, assuring her that I'll attempt to come to the funeral. We exchange I love yous, and I hang up the phone.

 _I'm seven years old. I'm at my grandparents' house for Thanksgiving and all the cousins are playing hide and go seek. They live on a farm in the middle of the country, so they have a giant house with lots of cool hiding is counting loudly from the kitchen. I see my cousin Amanda slide under the couch in the den as I run past. My sister, Rosalyn, is thirteen, and insists she's too big to play hide and go seek with us anymore. But as I scurry past, frantically looking for a place to hide, she looks up from her book and points down the hall to what used to be my Aunt Holly's bedroom. Of course! It's the perfect hiding place._

I turn back to see my whole team facing me.

"Is everything okay, JJ?" Hotch questions.

"I… Yeah. I'm fine. My… One of my cousins passed away. Car crash."

"I'm so sorry. Are you alright?" Emily rests a comforting hand on my arm.

"We weren't that close, we hadn't… Hadn't spoken in years actually. It's just a bit of a shock." I absent mindedly run a hand through my hair.

"If you need to take some time off to go home for the funeral, I completely understand." Hotch assures me. I shake my head quickly, putting a smile on my face.

"Like I said, we weren't close. I don't think I'll go."

"Alright, well let me know if you change your mind."

I tell Hotch I will, then make my way back to my own desk. I open up the file I had been looking at and try to concentrate on it. My hands find the familiar comfort of the horseshoe charm hanging from my neck.

 _I open the door and shut it behind me. I try to hide behind the curtains before realizing that Matthew will be able to see my sneakers underneath. I look frantically around the room for a different hiding place. Then the door opens, and my cousin Daniel steps inside. He's older than me, even older than Ros. He's in high school and plays football, but he still plays games with us during the holidays._

I snap the file shut. I need to distract myself. I walk across the bullpen and pour myself a cup of coffee. I slowly stir in sugar and creamer, all the while taking slow deep breaths. You're okay, I tell myself. Everything is okay.

I take a sip an close my eyes, allowing myself to be consumed with the sweet liquid. I follow the warmth down my throat, through my chest, until it settles in my stomach. It is only now that I realize how my stomach aches. It seems as though it's tied in knots.

I down the coffee and refill my mug. I cradle it in my hands as I head back to my desk. I shuffle around papers, trying to find something, anything to focus my attentions on. I feel a hand on my shoulder.

" _Nowhere to hide?" Danny asks me. I like him, he's nice._

" _I have to find somewhere to hide, I don't want to be it!"_

 _He smiles. "Here, what about the closet? We can both hide in there, and I bet they never find us. And even if they do, I'll be it instead. Sound good?"_

 _I nod enthusiastically. He opens the closet door and I rush inside. He follows me inside and pulls the door shut, plunging us into darkness. We sit in silence. I can feel my heart pounding in my ears, the excitement and nerves of waiting to be found almost too much for my tiny body._

" _You know, we could play our own game while we wait, Jenny."_

" _What kind of game?" I whisper back._

" _It's for older kids, but you're really smart. I bet you'd be super good at it."_

" _Older kids like you and Ros?" I question._

" _Yeah. It's a whole lotta fun."_

I jump and let out a small gasp. My hand bumps into my pen cup and it's contents spill everywhere.

"Jeez, Jayje, are you sure you're okay?" Morgan helps me pick them all up and place them back in the cup.

"Yeah! Sorry- It's just going to be one of those days apparently."

"Are you sure? Y'know 'cause Hotch said-"

"I'm fine." I implore him with my eyes to drop it.

He carefully peers into my face. "Okay. But I'm here if you need to talk. About anything."

I nod and turn back to my computer, ending the conversation. I drum my fingers impatiently against my desk as I wait for the webpage to load. I throw myself into my paperwork with force, willing my mind to shut down and leave me alone.

The hours pass. My colleagues begin to trickle out of the office toward the elevators. As I wave goodbye to Spence, my phone vibrates. I look down to see a text from Hotch

 **Call it a day, Jen. Go home.**

We had been dating for six months. The team knew of course, we didn't exactly work with people you could hide things from. We were still keeping it private for the purposes of HR issues.

 **Ok, ok, headed out. Are you still coming over?**

 **Of course. There's nowhere else I'd rather be.**

I smiled at his quick response and logged off of my computer. I gathered my things and walked tot he elevator. My stomach still ached. If I was being honest, part of me wished that Hotch wasn't coming over. I just wanted to be alone because I could feel the hurricane of emotions that were coming and I knew they wouldn't be pretty. But for the most part I knew that what I needed right now was Hotch's strength, his warmth, his stability.

I get in my care and turn the key in the ignition. I fiddle with the radio as I begin the journey across town to my apartment. My can't stop my leg from jiggling up and down as I'm caught at a red light, and my hands find their way back to my hair.

 _I don't think I like this game. It feels naughty. It feels wrong. I can feel Danny's hot breath on me._

" _This is what the big kids play, Jenny." His hand slips under my sweater. I freeze against the wall of the closet. Suddenly all I can smell is the mustiness of unworn clothes and stink of Danny's sweat. I can feel a plastic dry cleaner's bag beside me and it sticks to my arm. My body prickles with sweat as his blubbery lips come into contact with my cheek. His fingers fumble with the button on my jeans._

" _This is how big kids play."_

The tears are streaming down my face. I try to wipe them away but it's pointless. My breathing is shaky as I grip the steering wheel. It's everything I can do to guide my car all the way home.

I park in the driveway and hastily gather my things. I fumble with the key and lock as I try to desperately try to just get inside. Once I'm inside I can fall apart, but not here.

The lock finally gives and I push into the house. I throw my keys on the console table and drop my purse on the couch. My breath hitches in huge, painful sobs and it sounds as if someone else is wailing. I press one hand to my eyes and the other hard against my stomach. It had been so long since I had allowed myself tot think about it, and now I couldn't stop.

 _When he's done, he tells me not to say anything, Big kid games are secret. And if I tell anyone, especially my mom or dad, I'll get in a lot of trouble. He leaves the closet and I sit in the corner, enshrouded in the plastic dry cleaning bags. I don't come out until I hear my dad calling everyone to come eat dinner._

I feel dizzy. It feels like I'm choking on my own tongue. My chest is going to explode. I don't want to think about this. I don't want to remember.

 _Holidays had always been one of my favorite things, but from that moment on I regarded them with dread. Every time the Jareau clan would all gather at the old farmhouse, I knew he would be there. I knew he would be waiting. And it only got worse. For years it stretched on, stealing my innocence, my youth, my joy._

I sink into the couch, allowing myself to practically fold in half. I hear the front door open and I lift my head to see Aaron through my waterlogged eyes. He's beside me in an instant. He places a hesitant hand on my knee, the other gently pulling my head until I was cradled into his chest. We stay this way, him gently rocking us as I violently sob. Finally, the tears begin to lessen.

"Is this about your cousin?" he asks softly. I nod, squeezing my eyes shut. "JJ I wasn't kidding, you can have time off to go to the funeral." I shake my head no. "Look, I know you said you weren't close but this has obviously shaken you. He's your family, you loved him."

I pull back and look directly in his eyes. "No. I'm glad he's dead, Aaron. God help me, but I am so happy he's dead." And slowly I tell him the story. My most personal secret. Over the years I learned to push it down deep and pretend it doesn't exist. But now Daniel is dead and the dam is broken. And just like I knew he would, Hotch is there. He holds me and listens. He doesn't comment or judge. He just waits.

"And you never told anyone? Ever?"

I shake my head. "No one. Well… Part of me thinks that Ros knew. She always… And he…" Tears threaten to overcome me again. "And part of me wonders if he did the same to her. And that's why she did it." Hotch pushed a stray hair behind my ear and I lean into his warm touch.

"If I had told someone… Maybe she would still be here." I whisper. It's a thought that has crossed my mind several times in the twenty plus years since Rosalyn's suicide, but I've never spoken it aloud.

Hotch pulls my face so that I'm looking at him. "Hey. Listen to me. JJ none of this was your fault. Not what he did to you, not what he did to others, and especially not what your sister did. You were a little girl." I can see the tears in his eyes as he speaks. "You were hurt… But you survived. You survived and you are here. You are so wonderful and compassionate and intelligent and talented and he can't take that away from you. He's dead. And you win. You win because in spite of the terrible things that you've endured, you still wake up every morning and resolve to be the best person you can. You are strong."

"I love you, Aaron."

"I love you too, JJ." And he pulls me in for another hug, and we stay there for hours. And sure enough, when I wake up the next morning to the sun streaming through the window I take a deep breath. Because I win. I am strong and I survived. I win.

 **(Review.)**


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